goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
