my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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