She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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