I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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