i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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