Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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