not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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