after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
