I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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