Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
