He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
