I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
