mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
