its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
