he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Randomize
