the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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