I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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