Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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