the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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