I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
