My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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