sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
