Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
