I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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