Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
