i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
