You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
