the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
