You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
