Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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