im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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