Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize
