Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
