bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The best revenge is premature balding
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
