I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
