I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
