Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
