connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
