My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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