When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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