I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He felt like a one man threesome
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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