1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
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You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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