Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
