nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
