You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
