Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
