i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
