Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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