you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
