all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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