My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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