Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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