apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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