So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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