We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
