So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
