Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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