just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
