Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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