Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
