I just made out with a guy for $7.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
