I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize